The Twilight Zone
Nightmare at 20,000 Feet
Original air date: October 11, 1963Would you believe me if I told you that there are reports out of Russia that someone held onto the wing of a 737 for two hours? while it was flying? Alright since this story seems so incredibly unbelievable, I’m just going to start off by providing the link to the source. So here it is.

Now that I’ve got a little more of your respect back I’ll tell you a little about what it says. It says that a 15 year old boy clung to the wing of a 737 for a two hour, 800+ mile, 560 MPH flight. Yeah right. Okay well anyway I would have completely dismissed this story and not even posted about it…. but, there is one interesting detail. Moscow’s air and water transport control department confirmed it was true, at least according to the source above.

This reminds me of a story I’ve read on the cover of a grocery store gossip rag, or at least a famous episode of the Twilight Zone.

~Capt’n chris

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Here is the NTSB’s Preliminary Report on Steve Fossett. I must admit, I was a bit surprised. To list injuries as “1 Fatal” seems a little premature to me, but, it’s been weeks now and still there’s not a single serious lead in the mystery of Fossett’s disappearance. Not only that but his airplane’s emergency locator transmitter and the Breitling Professional Emergency Mission Man Watch he was reportably wearing have apparently never emitted any detectable distress signals.

So where on Earth is Steve Fossett? Only time will tell. I have a few of my own theories, some of which are quite “far out” but have already been posted to the Internet in other blogs, etc, so I won’t waste your serious time by posting them here. (In short they have to do with military airspace and the lack of dry lake beds in Nevada big enough to support a land speed record outside of anything restricted by the military). I fly over northern Nevada all the time and when compared to Bonneville in Utah, the pickings are quite slim for a speed record and I must admit I was also a bit surprised that Fossett wouldn’t have just picked Bonneville for his quest.

On the other hand, the Sierra Nevada Mountains are a very big place (not to make the understatement of the century). I also fly over them almost weekly and I look down every time hoping to get a glimpse of anything attributable Fossett’s search. Additionally a radio is usually set to 121.50 and I haven’t heard any distress signal out there since the date of Fossett’s disappearance.

So in conclusion, I must say that from now on when flying over the search area I will always be reminded of Steve Fossett, and I just hope this mystery comes to a close in my lifetime now. On the other hand, he could just walk right out of the forest and it probably wouldn’t surprise me that much either, ironically.

~Capt’n chris

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We Are Pleased To Announce Yooper Air Is Now Operating In Minnysota.

Also Serving Visconsin, Nort And Sout Dakota.

If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, da no-frills airline. You’re all in da same boat on Yooper Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience. Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land ’til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Yooper Air Okay den, listen up. I’m only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cab in pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I vouldn’t bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying da Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say ‘trespass against us,’ which isn’t right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because daymay confuse da plane’s navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style with da coffee pot up front.

Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin !

Right now I’ll say Grace: ‘Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or pretty close’ Amen
_________________________________________________________

The previous announcement has been brought to you buy Yooper Air!
~Capt’n Chris

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Instead of calling maintenance out, from now on when something on the airplane breaks, we’re just going to kill a goat. Yeah that’s it!

According to this news article, in recent weeks one of Nepal Airline’s 757s has given them some problems. So airline officials just killed two goats on the ramp in front of the airplane with the issues, in the hopes that the mechanical problems would subside.

I couldn’t make this stuff up folks. Really, I couldn’t. And, according to a senior airline official, “The snag in the plane has now been fixed, and the aircraft has resumed its flights.”

Oh geez!
~Capt’n Chris

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Main Entry: mas·och·ism
Pronunciation: ‘ma-s&-”ki-z&m, ‘ma-z&- also ‘mA-
Function: noun
2: Pleasure in being abused; a taste for suffering

$123,000 dollars.

Let me say that again: One hundred twenty-three thousand dollars, to be the first paying passenger on the A380?

At first I really recoiled when I heard this. But then I saw it was all or mostly going to charity and that made me feel a whole lot better. One hundred twenty-three grand to be packed like a sardine for hours in between 520 other people seemed like a prime state of peaking masochism to me, that’s all.

Now, I understand that the A380’s the crème de’ le’ crème right now as far as passenger amenities are concerned, and this passenger will even be riding in first class. None the less if this amount hadn’t gone to charity I’d have thought this fellow was a little loony, even if there was/is nostalgia in being on the maiden voyage, of, well… anything.

So I guess you could say being on the inside, so to speak, has made me a little more hesitant- In other words, being a passenger on the maiden voyage of anything is not very alluring to me. The kinks and bugs all still need to be worked out, to a certain extent.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking- All that stuff’s been done at the factory, and that I should really stop worrying about nothing. Well I’m not worrying, I’m just being me: Judicious.

Main Entry: ju·di·cious
Pronunciation: jü-’di-sh&s
Function: adjective
1: Having, exercising, or characterized by sound judgment

~Capt’n Chris

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Artist’s rendition
of suspectCost of an economy class ticket to Japan: $1,016.27
Immediate costs if you harass a flight crew: $20,000
Having to pay the cost of diverting a 747-400: $15,935

Being an idiot in front of 403 passengers: Priceless

Well it certainly wasn’t Rafael Holazo’s shining moment. Half way though a flight to Japan last spring, he assaulted a flight attendant in a ‘disruptive tantrum’ and the flight had to divert to Anchorage. Holazo was swearing and harassing passengers three hours into the flight. [That must have been a joy - Author].

When a flight attendant showed Holazo a violation card and told to return to his seat, Holazo lost it even more and jumped at the flight attendant. He then grabbed the attendant by the shoulder.

Ooopsy- That’s when two male passengers ’subdued’ him. [I wish I had more info on that - Author] Holazo has also been ordered by a judge to have his abuse of alcohol addressed.

~Capt’n Chris

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I found a recent comment by Southwest Airlines President Colleen Barrett to be a “classic Southwest” example of how they maintain such good employee morale over there, when compared to the rest of the airline industry.

“We are in the customer-service business; we happen to offer air transportation.

We consider our employees to be our number one customer, our passengers our second and our shareholders our third.

If we give great customer service to our employees as leaders, they will in turn provide it to their customers, who are the passengers. And the rewards will be there for our shareholders.

Colleen Barrett
President
Southwest Airlines”

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend reading the book ‘Nuts! Southwest Airlines’ Crazy Recipe for Business and Personal Success’ by Kevin & Jackie Freiberg. It really gives great insight into the unique things Southwest does to set themselves apart as a true leader in this industry. Not only that, but it takes a fun and interesting look into the culture of Southwest, and I was either laughing or chuckling almost of the way through it.

~Capt’n chris

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Industrial Strength OintmentWell if you follow airline news at all (and the author assumes you do, otherwise you wouldn’t be here) then you’ve probably heard about the recent rash (industrial strength ointment required) of close-calls involving near misses between airliners at LAX, America’s 3rd busiest airport.

I just finished reading FAA, WestJet Bicker Over Who’s At Fault In LAX Incursion.

It describes how a WestJet 737 and a Northwest Airlines Airbus came within 37 feet of each other as the Airbus was using runway 24L for take off and the 737 was starting to cross the same runway.

More then a dozen times a month, I am the pilot in the same position the WestJet 737 was, holding between runways 24L and 24R. So, coming away from this article with a little more detail about this near miss has left me with a few reflections that I’d like to share with you in particular.

The WestJet pilot switched frequencies between the runways and called the ground controller- A no-no as far as standard procedure here in the states is concerned. Notice I didn’t say ‘regulatory procedure,’ I only said standard procedure. After the call by WestJet, “the ground controller assumed that the tower controller had instructed the flight to cross runway 24L and responded, “WJA900, Los Angeles tower, taxi [via taxiway] echo to the gate.”

The Sour Grape Here- This was as WestJet was still in between the runways. The ground controller should have verified their position before clearing them anywhere, and not just assumed anything when hundreds of lives were at stake.

FAA Quote #1: “It is our position that the actions of the WestJet pilot contributed to the incident by creating confusion in the air traffic controller’s mind”

FAA Quote #2: “But we couldn’t find a specific federal aviation regulation to that effect.”

What!?! What did he just say?

The Luster of this Turd

The problem(s) lie in the fact that there are no established, concrete procedures in place at LAX for this situation. Having been in this very spot several times, why the WestJet Pilot would switch to ground control so early is beyond me. However, I have to side with WestJet on it because of the lack overall of an established procedure, once more. Interestingly though, the procedure in Canada is rock solid on this - You have to wait to switch to ground control until after you’ve crossed all active runways. So, one would have to ask why then did this WestJet pilot stray so far from his/her own established norms?

~Capt’n Chris

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You’ve got to check these out… I’ve been holding back I guess, hoping someday to include these websites in a show, but since I haven’t here they are. Enjoy!

• Flickr Related Tag Browser - This is awesome. Just type in a search term and look what happens…
• Thunder Over Michigan 2006 Highlights - Awesome pics…
• MaxAir2Air Pictures - More awesome pics…
• Kent Couch, Lawn Chair Balloonist! - A true adventurer, Kent Couch
• Due Up - Blog/Photos from Alaskan GA Adventure

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The jubilation of hearing this is indescribable to me. Most folks have heard the recent reports of airline cockpits getting illuminated by lasers in flight. I have received warnings myself from ATC to look out for illegal laser activity in the vicinity of some of the airports I’ve flown into. These aren’t just any lasers- Their ultra-powerful devices that can blind pilots. So finally, someone’s going to get lubed in jail for shining a laser at airplanes.

I just found this article about the following idiot from El Paso, Texas.

Artist’s rendition of suspectFederal agents just busted Clinton Udet Pinckert, 47, when they saw his laser illuminate the sky above them. Apparently the agents were waiting nearby. The FAA had several reports by pilots in the last month of a green laser being shined at cockpits and had called in the FBI to stake out an area around where the reports occurred.

And this wasn’t just any laser; it was the size of a flipp’in flashlight at 10″ inches long, and had hit 3 different aircraft at over 30,000 feet, according to the article.

Mr. Pinckert is now accused of attempting to disable a commercial aircraft, a crime which hopefully will get him 20 years of lube jobs
in prison.

~Capt’n Chris

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Well today was sort of a rocky launch day for discount carrier Virgin America. According to this article, the first flight lifted off from JFK at 10:50, 50 minutes late due to mid-summer storms in the New York area. On top of that, President Fred Reid was late and comedian Stephen Colbert didn’t make it. After 4 1/2 hours in most likely stand-still traffic his car turned around.

As I write this though, Richard Branson and Virgin America’s first flight are finally en route. No doubt he’ll enjoy the on board cool features like the self service mini-bar, meals on demand, music in the lav, passenger text messaging, and chatting in the on board online chat room. One of the other things I thought was cool about VA planes is that passengers can access a special edition of Google Maps where they can track the airplane’s current position, speed, and time left en route. First class seats even have foot massages…. Yes, foot massages.

It’s obvious Branson’s got it. US airlines in general suck on customer service and coming with an international travel portfolio, Branson knows first hand what’s lacking over here in the states. What’s left to be determined is whether people over here really care about all the cool amenities on VA’s and for that matter JetBlue’s airplanes, which seems to be holding it’s own in spite of all it’s recent set backs, but that’s another story.

Only time will tell, but it sure does seem as though VA is giving the established carriers the jitters. I just hope for the best for my pilot friends over there.
~Capt’n Chris

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